Letting go of expectations, fear and anger…

So, I’m now 4 days overdue.  I know this is no great big deal, but it feels like it is to me as I was on time with number 1, so expected to be the same if not earlier with number 2! Expectations, huh?! The last few days have been an emotional rollercoaster for me, which is peculiar because I’d been so calm and positive up until then.  I accept that this is part of my journey, that because Erin’s birth was like clockwork doesn’t necessarily mean that this one will be although it has no reason not to be.

I went to see the midwife yesterday (saw a different one to usual) and came away feeling so angry and upset.  She did a Stretch & Sweep (where she just uses her fingers and does exactly as it says to my cervix).  It was slightly uncomfortable, but not painful, and caused a show (the mucous plug from the cervix to come away – often a sign of pre-labour, but not always!).  She then proceeded to tell me that my cervix was still high and thick and spoke about seeing me next wednesday again and about induction.  None of the positive stuff I normally get from my regular midwife, who is very motherly and gives me the confidence that my body is going to do it when I’m ready. In her defence she was probably just doing her job and doesn’t want to give me false hope, but I felt like she could have given me more encouragement.  If I felt more hopeful, I’m sure I may relax and things might happen quicker. After all the babies head is engaged, it is really low and I get plenty of twinges and Braxton Hicks contractions. Anyway, I shall try not to diss the midwife, as I have realised that I have my own issues that I need to deal with….the biggest one being my fear of ending up in hospital.

I see hospital as a place for sick people and know that pregnancy and childbirth is NOT a sickness.  However , after talking to my lovely friends, Andrew & Jerusha, who run birthing workshops and pregnancy yoga classes in Falmouth, I have been comforted by what I already know, that some do give birth naturally in hospital and that if it comes to that it is not the end of the world.  I do not WANT to be induced, but I am beginning to accept that this is a possibility, although much less likely if I work through my issues… I want the perfect home water birth, but if I don’t get it I will actually deal with it, even though I feel a bit like I can’t! At their suggestion I am going to contact a Doula, who will be able to give me a much better idea of what my options REALLY are. The medical profession do not always make all your options clear, and unfortunately sometimes we need to fight for our rights to birth the way we want to. Since I’m not really in a head space where I want to be fighting and I want Steven by my side I think it will be a good idea to get someone like a Doula, who knows all the ins and outs thoroughly to do the fighting for us if necessary.  And if fighting is not necessary (I don’t think it will be) then it will still be nice to have an extra pair of hands at the birth, wherever and however it may be.

Another thing I keep asking is whether I’m actually ready for another baby??? Physically, yes! Emotionally…are we ever ready? Can we be when we don’t know exactly what is to come? I’m sure I didn’t know if I was ready with Erin, yet I managed and enjoyed the magic of falling in love with her and watching her grow. It’s a constant learning curve and such a blessing to be a mother.  How will I cope with looking after a toddler and a newborn?? The answer:…my wonderful hubby. He is SUCH an amazing daddy and is very capable and, lucky for me, at home a lot. Since we live in a little community on the farm, we’re pretty much like extended family and I will have plenty of eager hands to help me should I need it when he is at work.  What a life we have here too…growing our own veg and doing odd jobs around the farm in such a beautiful place. It is wonderful to see Erin so free and happy!

I have tried plenty of walks, plenty of sex, plenty of just about every trick in the book (except curry or castor oil – the runs in the birthing pool would not be great!). Clary sage gives me some good contractions.  Reflexology (done at home by Steven from looking at a reflexology map) feels great and makes baby wriggle.  Homeopathy has not done much yet. And I still haven’t got my hands on the herbs. Yoga and bumpy roads I’m sure have helped get baby right down there. Another big walk this evening and then possibly a repeat of all of the above. I believe Acupuncture works very well..has anyone had experience with it?  I do not believe I will be seeing the midwife next Wednesday!

So this is my journey, my lesson. I need to relax and accept what is to come, but also know what my rights are when it comes to medical intervention (hence the Doula), and hopefully now that I’m not feeling so angry, fearful and emotional, my body will begin to do what it was designed to do…to give birth naturally!